how i became me

We all have a life story. We all have a personal inner space, where every experience, every important events in our life is hidden. Everything that have contributed to my becoming who I am today. My inner space is my preunderstanding for the way I define myself.

So what do I have in my inner space?

When I was a kid, I was bullied all through elementary school. I always felt different. As if I didn't fit in the molde everyone else was made in. It was a lonely place to be. I didn't have any real friends. I had to lie most of the time to appear normal. Lie about having friends, lie to protect my parents from the truth.To protect myself from life.

It was always one thing I had that kept me going. One thing that can be seen as a red thread through my childhood. I started playing the flute when I was 5/6 years old. Playing the flute became my therapy. My escape from reality.

When I went to high-school, I studied music in addition to the academic subjects. I burried myself in studying, working after schoolhours and weekends. I didn't have any normal social life. My experiences with social interactions was negative. I still felt different in every social setting. And that other people looked at me as below their status.

After high-school, I did my military-service in The Kings Guard of Norway. Still playing the flute. I spend most of the time by myself, when we didn't have rehearsals.

The community have your life figured out even before you are born. Everything you have to do in life in order to fit in. To blend in easily among everyone else. Elementary school, high-school military-service, higher education as a bachelor or a master, and then find a place to work. In between the educational goals, you should find someone to live with, have kids, and buy a home.

When I finished my Bachelor in child welfare, began working, and had kids, I sort of lost a bit of myself. I felt like a robot on autopilot.

Then my health was getting worse. In just two years after I graduated and started working, I found myself in a situation where I coudn't work anymore. Physical diagnosis prevents me from being able to exersize, unable to go to work every day, and unable to do so many of the things I used to fill my life with. The things I did to feel occupied. I quit playing the flute. The only thing that actually was a solid interest of mine. Suddenly I had all the time in the world to reflect on my life. I wasn't the most positive person at that time.

After 7 years of living like an autopiloted robot, without having nothing meaningful in my life, I discoverd  by a coincidence that I had a high IQ. That led me to the organization Mensa. After socializing with other members, and reading a lot about being intelligented gifted, I realized how the feeling of being different got a whole new meaning for me. Having high IQ is not equal to being smart. It is a source of many challenges and frustrations in life. But meeting with people who had the same struggles as me, gave me a feeling of belonging somewhere.

In the same time period of time, I saw an add on Facebook. Two photografers were looking for TFP (Trade for prints) models in my aera. I knew that I woudn't fit their description, but as a challenge to myself, I sent my information to  them. I was very surprised to hear that they wanted to work with me. I instantly thought about my lack of experience in front of the camera. I have always hated to be taken pictures of. I've never liked to be in the spotlight. This would be a great challenge for me.

After the first photoshoot, I could notice a difference in myself. The exposure therapy the photoshoot was to me, had given me several pictures of myself, that I was satisfied with. That had never happened before. And the photografers wanted to continue working with me. Scheduled more photoshoots. Suddenly I had something meaningful in my life.

I started playing my flute again after many years without even touching it. It was tough. The clear and beautiful tone I had before I quit was gone. The technique was slow, and I knew that it was going to be hard work for me to get back on track on my playing. And my physical diagnosis prevented me from being able to play as much as I wanted to.

The kids father and I decided to go separate ways one and a half year ago. I had to start over again. Find a place to live, collaborate with the kids father for the kids best interest. We have the kids 50/50. That means that I actually have one week where I'm totally alone. Have you ever spend 7 days in a row without talking to anyone? Without social interraction? It's lonely. But it tought me that I had to do something more with my life.

I couldn't set myself in the center of my own pittyparty any longer. I had to change my believes from unhealthy to healthy. I had to realize that I'm the only one responsible for how I choose to see myself in my life. How I can choose how others reflect on me, and how I reflect on others.

With modeling, playing the flute, and my participation in Mensa as my main hobbies and activities in life, I needed motivation. I started an Instagram account (glenniemagnus). The account quickly became my daily motivation to do the things I knew was meaningful to me. I started to record videos of myself playing. Started to practice my flute every day. Even on my bad days, I'm able to play for a few minutes a couple of times a day. I do see much clearly how the only person that can do a change in my life is myself.

A life story is always a work in progress. We are in charge of how we shape our inner space. We can always choose to add a previously forgotten anecdote that reveals our inner strength. We can always choose to highlight our successes and accomplishments. We can always convey our setbacks in terms of what we learned from them. There are many ways to tell a tale. Even the same tale. When we compose our personal narratives in our inner space, we get to decide which events are important enough to be included. We get to connect the dots and draw our own conclusions. In this way, we are empowered to determine how we want to define ourselves, which in turn shapes our hopes and expectations for the future.

Article by and about Streetfashion MagZZine's new editor Glennie Magnus
Photos taken by Johannes Brendemo